Coping With Grief, The 5 Stages
Grief can be described as the feelings of deep sorrow that accompanies the death of a loved one and can also be experienced by someone who feels a loss after developing a long term or terminal illness. The experience of loss can be deeply troubling, and traumatic and can sometimes take years to process. Grief is expressed physically, emotionally, behaviorally, socially, and cognitively in response to the loss. Bereavement is a period of struggle right after a death while grief involves the more internal experience and is often more prolonged.
Human beings have a tendency to want to prepare themselves for any negative outcomes or try their best to prevent and avoid them as much as possible. Noone is ever really prepared for the death of a loved one or a major illness or diagnosis of a friend, spouse, partner or family member or the person facing the illness themselves. Some things unfortunately are unavoidable and at some point, most people have had to face death and have experienced a loss in their life or have had a friend or family member with a serious illness. Those who have experienced work accidents or sudden job loss have also had to grieve the loss of their career and identity that came with it. For others, it is the loss of a cherished pet who was a valued member of the family.
People cope with loss in many different ways. Positive functional ways of coping with the death of a loved one involve seeking the support of friends and family members, celebrating the memory of the person or their strengths through displaying photographs, visiting the cemetery and placing flowers or whatever is meaningful and comforting in some way. Being present with a person who is ill, possibly reading to them, playing their favourite music, giving them a massage or helping them stretch their legs if they can’t are all simple things one can do to provide comfort. Negative dysfunctional ways of coping include using drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, withdrawing from friends and family members and isolating oneself. Every grief journey is unique, so it is important to be gentle with yourself and respect your own pace and the pace of others.
Elizabeth Kubler Ross described a process of grief in 1969 in her book entitled On Death and Dying. This process was designed with the terminally ill in mind but can be applied to different losses and experiences of grief. This includes the model DABDA: DABDA refers to the following 5 stages:
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
These stages don’t necessarily occur in order and there isn’t a definite timeline to experience and process grief. You may weave in and out of different stages many times during your grief journey.
Denial- In this stage there is avoidance and confusion stemming from fear and shock. There is a tendency to want to defend yourself from the initial shock of the news. There is acting as if nothing has happened and acting as if everything is ok and normal. Denial acts as a protective shield and is a survival mechanism. There are feelings of numbness and at times an experience that the person is still present and believe you have seen or heard them. It’s nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
Anger- In this stage there is a lot of frustration, irritation and anxiety and possibly lashing out at others. It feels endless. You may even be angry with God. Feeling anger is a natural emotion and the anger may be directed at the person who has died or at oneself, feeling that more could’ve been done to prevent the loss or death. Allowing yourself to feel the anger will help you heal. Underneath the mask of anger is a lot of pain.
Bargaining- It is hard to accept a loss or death and sometimes bargaining with oneself or with God takes place. Making deals in the hope that it will prevent the loss from occurring. Praying more, attending a church service. Becoming more benevolent and promising to help others in the hope that good deeds will bring back your loved one. Wanting to do anything not to feel the experience of the loss and hurt. There is a desire to go back in time. Looking to the past and wondering if things could’ve been done differently to prevent the loss. For example, “What if” style of thinking.
Depression- Longing for the person is common in this stage and feeling deep sadness. This sadness occurs on a very deep level. There is a withdrawal from life and feeling like you’re in a fog of intense unbearable sadness. This stage can be long lasting even taking years where life feels empty and holds no more meaning. It is a dark tunnel which one feels they will never really emerge from. Feeling depression after the loss of a loved one is very normal and it would be more unusual if depression was absent. This is part of the healing journey.
Acceptance-There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Most people never really get over the loss of a loved one but come to a place of acceptance. It is possible to learn to start living again and hold on to cherished memories of a loved one. This stage involves recognizing the new permanent reality and somehow making peace with the absence of your loved one. In this stage we come to accept that the past is gone. This is a stage of growth and change and learning to live again. There is a place here for new connections and meaningful relationships and healthy interdependence.
I hope learning about DABDA helps you to make sense of some of the feelings you’re experiencing. If you or someone you know is struggling with grief and loss know that there is help available to you. Healing is a journey. Reach out and visit saraperrettatherapy.com to learn more and book your consultation today.
